Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh Clement aims to top his six-reader limit
Sun Dec 26, 2004 at 02:58:21 pm EST
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #11 –With Readership-Boosting Untold Tales Anniversary Holiday Tie-In
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Sure, we could start with all that explanatory stuff, like where we are or how we got here. But clear storytelling’s so passé these days. Let’s head right on in and make sure everyone’s so baffled they KNOW this is good, okay?

De Brown Streak: “I think being executed might have been a bit better.”

Yo, a pure thought being in aqua chiffon: “Do not be so worried, cute-DBS. Everybody is being very excited about you joining of the Lair Legion.”

DBS: “If by everybody you mean the crowds of anti-mutate protestors picketing the Lair Mansion, or the hard-line press calling for my arrest, or Mr Epitome threatening to break my legs if I tried anything funny…”

Yo: “Cute-Epitome was not to be saying that.”

DBS: “Well he kind of looked it. Plus he got one of my running shoes and gave it to that dog of his to smell.”

Yo: “Cute-Glory was just being told you are to be a friend.”

DBS: “And then there’s Falcon, who hasn’t spoken to me yet, and Goldenbutt, the mutate-mangler. And Hatman.”

Yo: “Hatman is not to be minding that you are mutate, Josh.”

DBS: “Right. He just wants to see me dead for purely personal reasons.”

Yo: “No, he is not wanting that. ‘Painful crippling disease’ was what he was actually to be saying, but he was not being happy about you are asking cute-Sorcy to be having of dinner with you.”

DBS: “I thought he and Whit weren’t an item any more? I knew she’d have to smarten up one day.”

Yo: “Is to be they are still good friends.” Yo looks at Josh curiously. “So is she to be having of dinner with DBS?”

DBS shakes his head. “Said it would be complicated.”

Yo, sympathetically: “Are you to be being very unhappy?”

DBS: “Well, it took me ten minutes before I felt well enough to ask Dancer out.”

Yo: “And what did cute Dancer say?”

DBS: “Apparently she doesn’t date co-workers, at least not until after their first joint mini-series.”

Yo: “Is shame. Dancer is to be needing of somebody to love.”

DBS: “Hey, Yo, I don’t suppose you’re free for a movie and a pizza when this Mumphrey holiday’s over, are you? Yo-woman if that’s possible.”

Yo: “Yo is to be happy to be dining with cute-DBS as to be friend, of course. But is to be no hanky-panky. Is not even any hanky.”

DBS: “Whoa. This Legion gig’s proving tougher than I expected. You think Hallie’s seeing anyone?”

Yo: “Yo knows she is to be having date with Epitome a little bit ago.”

DBS: “Agh! He’s even bigger than Hatman! And not as Canadian. How about Amber?”

Yo: “Amber is not to be dating of anyone right now. But Yo is thinking she is not to be dating of boys at all.”

DBS: “Really? Cool. But hey, I can help her with that if she wants.”

Yo: “Yo is thinking that is not to be really what she is wanting.”

DBS: “But… if I’ve got to be on the Lair Legion then there must be someone I can date until Fashion Accessory and Asil are a couple of years older!”

“Yo is remembering that not all of people at mansion gates with placards are to be mutant-haters,” Yo remembers. “Is a number of young women wanting to be donating of underwear over gates?”

DBS: “Uh, yeah. That was… for charity. Yes, I’m collecting used underwear for the third world. There’s a really tragic thong shortage out there. I don’t like to boast about my good deeds.”

Yo: “Yo is having some boxer shorts you can be sending on to save Africa.”

DBS: “Thanks. But really I think we’ve alleviated the problem now.”

Yo: “Anyway, is not cute-DBS dating of Thonnagarian Pigeon-Warrior Shazara Pel?”

DBS: “Well yeah. Last week. But it was never going to be a long term relationship, no matter how fast I heal.”

Yo: “And Vizi’s neighbour says you were to be taking her out too?”

DBS: “Well sure, but… you know Beth?”

Yo: “She is to be being here at the party.”

DBS: “I am dead. They are going to be drawing lots to decide who kills me first.”

Yo: “You are having of friends here. Is cute-Wooster twins are saying they are knowing you.”

DBS: “Aagh.”

Yo: “And Hagatha Darkness is to be looking for you.”

DBS: “Aaaaagh.”

Yo: “And cute-Hooded Hood is here.”

“DBS: “Aaaaaaaaagh!”

Yo: “Is to be alright. Do not be climbing out of window. You are to be having of amnesty while you are staying with Lair Legion.”

DBS: “Yeah. While I stay. And if I run away then Lisa summonses me back.” A happy thought hits him. “Mmm, Lisa!”

Yo: “You are only Legionnaire new recruit to be failing of induction and having to be retaking of it seventeen times.”

DBS: “So far.”

Yo: “Lisa is saying she is having to be very strict with you.”

DBS: “I just want to make sure I’ve got it right.” Then, more seriously he adds, “Look, I know Sir Mumph stuck his neck out for me, and if I blow this or run off it’ll be him that suffers. And maybe this is another way to show the world that mutates are worth something. Who knows?”

Yo: “So you are to be coming down and mingling with cute guests?”

DBS: “I guess.” He sighs. “You know, when you said I’d have my own personal bunny waiting for me in my bedroom if I joined the Legion I’d imagined something different.” He glimpses over at stricken-looking Yo. “But an Angora is cool. I like Angoras.”

Yo takes Josh’s arm: “Come now then and be Legionnaire, cute-DBS. Is time for you to be lining-up.”

And they go down to dinner.




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